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Who Am I?

Welcome to this healing blog.  This site focuses on personal writing; the content related to my professional healing practice has its own space.  Click here to enter that space. 

I practice as a Feldenkrais teacher, TARA Approach practitioner, and counselor who is trained in EMDR. I teach various forms of shamatha meditation as I learned them under the instruction of my teacher, Thrangu Rinpoche. In August of 2014 I began shamanic initiation and training.  Essentially, I'm an indigenous American healer, born and raised in Austin, Texas, with many healing threads that weave together into a tapestry as unique and complex as the people I help

I dance with Julie Nathanielsz and Heloise Gold, both recipients of Austin Critics' Table awards for their work.  In addition to dance, I studied Cuban, Brazilian, and Puerto Rican percussion for a number of years.

My nickname/stage name for many, many years has been La Pistola. All I'm going to tell you about that is that you'd better believe it.

I hope that your visit here finds you something to laugh about, something to think about, something to dream about. 

You can subscribe to the blog through the boxes on the right. 

Peace to all, and thanks for visiting.
BlogCatalog

Quiet Center.

I thought over the invitation from the man from two years ago. The timeline didn't seem right, so I inquired how recently the relationship ended. 

VERY recently. I declined to meet. I am not interested in being part of a rebound process. He can contact me in six or eight months if he still feels like it. Too soon. Too messy. Thank you for asking though, it was kind of you to think of me.

Being home is rapidly centering me. The situation with my family is what it is. It's not my fault that everything there is so convoluted and gamey and screwed up. I wish I had a normal family where people could work together and solve things instead of playing all of these games. You know, where I could call up my brother and talk to him about my mother's health. Like that. It's part of the sadness around this thing, that everything is so contorted and full of lies and denial. Were I to do that, my mother would be furious at me, and then she'd lie to him, and then he'd probably go off on me, too. It would just be a big shitshow of a mess.

Something I've been really thinking about is that if I ever do have a partner, I'd really love for that man to have a family he's connected to that is good and loving. I wish I could have had that family, but since I don't, I'd like to bring my pretty considerable relationship skills into another family who would love me, and love having someone in their family who's that potent and wise. I know what I was able to do within and for the Flynn family the 10 years I was intimately involved with them. I know I'm a huge asset.

You know?

But these are all just those fantasies about what if. I can't control that. I've accepted it. I've accepted that the very things that make me so good at all of this may be, strangely and sadly, the very things that in the modern age will ensure my unpartnered status for a long time to come. 

It is what it is. You can't control the rising or setting of the sun, or the weather. You accept it; and live a life worth living.

I can do that.

Landing. Simple.

Home. Thank God. Home. My little boudoir. My little dog, up in my face. A stove to cook on, laundry to do, the familiar things: the dark wood of my furniture, fringed shawls draped across the posts of the bed, old drawings on the wall. I'm so, so grateful to be here. 

I immediately started water for making brown rice pasta with pesto, cuddled with the pup, came in here to lie down in the weird little shaman cave, and oh man, my mental health just went up like 2.5 points. It was probably a 4 out of 10 this morning and right now it's like a 6.5 and rising just by virtue of being here.

I'm just a simple person, you know? The familiar things, a bit of doggy love (or attention at least, he's kinda selfish), my furniture--all this soothes me, quiets my nervous system which has been jangling all day in that "para-PTSD" state, where I'm not triggered, but in the zone where if enough stuff pressed on it it could happen. I did a long internal examination of my emotional state on the drive back; I'm doing OK, and being home will bring that up, but still need more help in my own opinion, so I'm emailing my acupuncturist to see if he can work some herbal magic. It's just going to take a little minute to reach the new equilibrium that new complexities are going to demand. 

I would say that the biggest thing I learned about myself on this trip--and it's a big thing--is that in certain core ways, I am a pretty simple person. Home. Friendship. Love. I'm not swimming in deep holes of doubt or complexity about these things. I know what they are to me, how they show up: phone calls, time together, cooking, sweetness, cuddles, hugs and kisses, contact, eye contact, skin contact, the sound of a voice, lots of "I love you," the dance studio, the trees, animals, rain, river, and being-ness.

It's all just so simple to me. I don't know why people try to make this huge complex morass out of loving and being with another. I feel it was a mistake for me to ever engage the world of online dating, because it's the total opposite of all of the things I just listed. You don't meet people who are willing to be simple and sweet and direct on those sites. You meet people who are full of big stories in their heads and lots of excuses about why they can't do those simple things with another person. But they can; they just don't want to, which is the part they won't admit, and that's what makes it all so convoluted and weird. You can't protect your space and share it with someone else at the same time. 

Ya know?

I just have to forgive myself for having been naive and not having seen how wrong all that was for me, and give myself credit for having tried hard anyway. I liked everyone I met, I just think I'm a lot simpler than they are in this particular way, and that's why it hasn't worked out. I don't have a bunch of stories from the past in my head about why I can't be a lover or loved. I don't fabricate a lot of complicated reasons about why I can't be in a relationship. I know I can be and do all of those things, because I understand the ingredients: time, attention, contact, love, sincerity, honesty, passion. It's just not that big a deal.

It's just simple for me. I'm good at making little homes full of love, which is why people love my office and don't want to leave when they come for healing. I know how to do this. It's why a bunch of my clients got married or got into great relationships within the last 8 months. 

I'm not exactly a dummy about this stuff. I know how to do it. I know how to teach others to do it. I'm not listening anymore to people who try to make me think I don't know, or won't listen to the wisdom I have about it. If they don't want to learn from me, that's fine. It's their choice. I respect that.

But I do know. My last major relationship was a mistake, compounded by the fact, unknown to me for a long time, that the person was a pathological liar. I was a completely different person then. I'm not even remotely the same woman I was all those years ago. I'm far wiser, gentler, more mature and grounded, kinder, and far far more healed. It's because I chose to learn every single lesson from that situation that I could instead of letting it damage me or make me bitter. Ultimately, it was a big part of how I became who I am today, strangely enough.

So yeah. 
That's all.

Just glad to be home now, with myself, in this place I also know. Because I created love here.

The most powerful hidden gift of all: to touch barren stone and from it the rose of love springs forth.

It's what I do.

Almost Home

The board is back in its bag and secured in the car. I'm halfway packed. Right now I'm at the coffee shop. The last two mornings, the Beautiful Man has just smiled at me when I came in, gestured for me to sit down, and brought me a perfect macchiato in a real cup, which I guess he has a secret stash of somewhere. This little place is one of "my" places on the island, now even more so, more special. I formed a couple of new relationships this trip.

I'm glad I'm leaving today; the weekenders are starting to trickle in and it's getting busy. Next year I'll come a week earlier when it's more quiet, if I come next spring. I'm looking forward to being back home. I talked to my mother; she's back in DenialLand, where she pretty much lives--she's okay, nothing is wrong with her, it's all gonna be fine, and my brother doesn't need to know because he has such a busy important life that she doesn't want to bother him.

Okay. That's fine. I will check on her in a week when the results of the arterial scan come back. It sounds like she needs help with all this stuff around the process of the tests, but when she goes into DenialLand, she isn't going to follow any protocols or do what she needs to do, so. There's nothing I can do about it. It's actually a good thing for me that there is a respite, because after seeing last week how ugly it's really going to be when DenialLand finally breaks apart, I need time to process and prepare for that. So I just said, okay fine, glad you are feeling better, and I will check in with you next week about the test results. 

You can only do what you can do.

Interesting things happening. A man I went on one date with two years ago contacted me. He was starting another relationship at the time, which he and I talked about, and so we never went out again. That relationship went on for a while and then ended, and he looked me up. It was only one drink as I recall, but I remember thinking he was an attractive, intelligent man with a rather intense personality. So I would be happy to get together again. Two years ago--who would have thought someone would remember you that much later? I thought it was very cool that he reached out.

I was also surprised to hear from my tattoo artist. He's a really, really experienced rider, a guy who can wheelie his custom Buell Cherry Bomb with aplomb; does he really want to hang out with a dumbass newbie? I'm so afraid that I'm going to insult his time. But do I want to do that, yea, I love that guy. He's truly one of the most interesting people I've ever known in my entire life, I'm continually intrigued by how he sees the world and its inhabitants, and it's not like he has time to just "hang out" with people or actually even wants to hang out with most people anyway--he can be a grumpy one, but in an endearing way--so it means something that he reached out. A lot, actually.

It didn't even occur to me until a little while ago to wonder why Handsome One asked me to go to dinner. He probably just feels bad for me and that's his way of offering support. That's okay. I really do appreciate it. Although that fight was unpleasant, I'm actually glad it happened, because I learned that he doesn't like certain aspects of my personality--i.e. My assertiveness. It's good that I know that, because it means that our friendship is just going to need to have this certain amount of distance in it, and that's okay. I certainly have no desire to tick him off and at this point I can just be pleasant and talk about things that don't bring up strong feelings or cause fights. 

I'm sorry he doesn't like that part of who I am, but that's alright. It happens. Maybe someday, if we stay friends, he'll come to see it as a positive quality, which I happen to believe it is. Assertiveness comes with honesty and passion, in my case--you can't separate them.

Life is just so weird sometimes.

LoveIntoLover

I needed to walk this evening. So I did; for a long time.

More of what the young man said yesterday arose. 

He said:

These men who won't touch you, who keep you at arms' length, or run back and forth--the problem may be entirely with their energy, not with yours. You are a healer, and a powerful one. A wise man knows that if he lets himself bond with you, he will heal and become a stronger man. So the Warriors, those of us who fight and protect, will always come to you, because we know that.

The ones that reject you but keep coming back--either they don't know what you are, or they do know and they're afraid of it and are reacting to their fear by trying to control or punish you. This is a problem with their energy and not yours. Don't think it's necessarily you. That's why you need one who understands the spiritual side.


I thought about that, walking and walking. I watched the waves rising and morphing and falling, and I understood that lover could turn into love; that I might actually have a better chance of love with a lover. So that differentiation is gone now too. I will be open to how things may turn into other things. A lover could turn into love, because he's already there, he's already willing to put himself close to me, he's literally putting his skin into it. 

I see that now.

I understand why I thought they were different things before--it was where I was in my own understanding. But I get that it doesn't have to be that way, now. I can be open to all the possibilities. 

His wisdom sits deeply with me.  I understand. I feel grateful to him for making things clear.

Time to go call my mother. 

Carbon Fiber. Sexual Healing.

Finally went out to the beach today. Yesterday was so awful--in addition to getting pinched and bleeding, I was getting dragged all over the place, dumped into horrible shell beds, all kinds of stuff. The young shaman told me he saw birds circling over my car, hovering, while I was in the water, and that this was one of the things that drew his attention to me because it was so peculiar. He thought they were pelicans, but he wasn't sure. Whatever it was, I am sure it was some kind of protective thing, because the animals always are, protective and/or healing. Warnings are protective too, and they brought him to me, so it worked.

I talked to the Beautiful Man about the surfing issue, and he told me firmly, "That has nothing to do with you. There are NO training waves anywhere on this island. And where you were is a professional level spot. It's not you; there's just no good place to train here at all. Just go to the bay side and paddle." He told me about an access point that's right down the street from the coffee shop. I drove down there, and sure enough, there's this perfect boat ramp that goes into deeper water and no oysters and an easy launch--the only one on the island. So maybe that will be what I do this evening, my last evening here this trip.

Thinking about this conversation with the young man yesterday. He was a law enforcement officer from Missouri, 29 years old, Venezualan and Native American, a beautiful man very interested in healing and shamanism.

He teased me gently: Sure you don't want some sexual healing?

I do, I said simply. You're right about that. Honestly, after I go home, the first man I am attracted to who is brave enough to put his hands on me is probably going to have me. Because you're right. What you perceive is correct.

He looked at me for a long moment out of his unfathomably dark, liquid eyes, so beautiful. He said:

That would be good. I think that would be good for you. But it's important that you have the spiritual side too. Whoever the man is, make sure he has that, that he understands that, the spiritual part. You are a very powerfully spiritual woman, and a very sexy woman. You need to have both.

I nodded in understanding. He smiled. We exchanged a huge, warm hug when we parted.

Sexual healing. Yeah.

Today it's easy in the waves. And, holy fuck, people, CARBON FIBER. So fast. I won't be able to go back now.

Coffee. Influence.

Slept in this morning after an early breakfast. Tired after last night's energetic work and needed more rest. 

Then the coffee shop and hanging out with the Beautiful Man, talking to him about his wife, his little autistic daughter, his family, his life in Brownsville. What a beautiful human being he is, someone who really understands art, love, creativity, life, and he's just my age, 47. We talked a lot about how in order to have love and art and a rich life, you have to have and make time, let things into yourself, be receptive in order to be able to give, too. About how people our age often seem to make this choice to become very controlling and rigid, not letting anything in, not giving anything out, and it makes the beautiful things of life impossible.

He said to me, "You know what men are really bad about? Avoiding. We see something wrong and we just avoid it. We just hit the snooze button or think to ourselves that we'll deal with it later or tomorrow. Avoid avoid avoid. 10 more minutes. Snooze snooze snooze. And then before we know it our lives are all fucked up. Or we put it all on the women to deal with it. We have to stop doing that. My wife and I never do that with each other, which is how we've made it through all the stuff with my daughter and are still together. There's no way that could have happened if we weren't paying attention to each other.

"You have to make time in life for the things that matter. The person you love, the roses (yes, he said roses--that made me smile quietly), to listen to other people, to really see what they need and want. Everyone behaves like they don't have time for those things, but they do--they're just wasting that time on stupid shit, like Facebook and video games and their phones and all these things that are just fake. They're choosing to put time into things that aren't real and don't matter. And then they wonder why they're lonely, why their relationships are fucked up, why they don't feel connected to anything. You have the time if you choose to make the time for the real things. It's an excuse to say you don't have the time when you're spending all your time on Facebook or whatever. You're just not putting it into the right things. And you pay the price for that."

It just so struck me how this man really gets all the things that Gottman writes about in his research on marriage and lasting partnership. He really gets the big things that make it work--responding to bids for connection, paying attention, and being open to the influence of your partner. I told him that it seems like a lot of people our age, both men and women, have decided on some level that they're not going to be open to any influence from a partner ever again, which basically means that in any relationship, they're going to take a very "this is how I am--my way or the highway" approach that is certain to doom the development of love and connection. Relationships only work if they are a cooperation, not a dictatorship. And I see a lot of people my age making choices that mean they're going to be alone, because they won't make the time, they don't respond to bids, they're becoming rigid and bitter and not seeing how they're writing their own script for loneliness. They're going to kill anything promising straight out of the bat by being so unreceptive to influence. 

He agreed with that. It was a good, long, satisfying talk. Getting to know him has been one of the gems of this difficult, weird trip. I'm not even going to go to Boca Chica; it doesn't feel right. I want to go home tomorrow. Be with my little dog, in my little room, close to my friends physically, in my own bed, doing my laundry. I need those comforts right now. I'll get to have one more coffee with him tomorrow morning. I'll probably leave tomorrow afternoon. It feels right. 

I'm grateful to him, this beautiful man, for appearing in my life just at this moment. A blessing.

Roses. Shaman. Lover.

I found the only bouquet of roses on the island yesterday. They're sitting on my table.

I met a young man, a shaman, and we did a little work together. He got what he needed and so did I. Things are better today. He said many things that were very wise and very helpful, the most profound of which was: Your mother made many, many mistakes. She can't do anything about those now. Do what you can to bring peace and compassion to all of your thoughts around her.

Okay.

My foot wasn't too bad under all the blood. It was clearly a crab that did it. I looked up Crab: sometimes the right path is a sideways one, one that isn't direct or obvious. Trust this and let it guide you.

Okay.

Handsome One asked if I would go to dinner with him on Friday before he leaves Saturday.

Okay.

My tattoo artist asked if I want to do some motorcycle practice with him when he gets his new Vstrom.

Okay.

I decided that after I'm back home I'm not going to date any more. I'll still hang out with the men I've met as friends because that pretty much seems to be all that they want anyway. That's fine.

I'm going to look for, or be open to, a lover now. I'm tired of all the head games and the manipulation around sex and love and time together and all this talking about everything instead of doing it. Men think women play games in dating, well, they haven't dated men in their 40s and 50s. It's weird and it's awful and it hurts my feelings. I'm sick of being teased: oh, maybe we'll have sex, oh, maybe we'll go out, oh, maybe we'll date, and then none of it, nothing at all, ever happens.

I'm just going to open myself up to finding someone, or being open to someone who approaches me, who is sweet and sexual: someone who will enjoy me, my energy, my body, my femininity, and will appreciate me and connect with me in a real, simple, direct, earthy way. It's OK if he's a lot younger than me; I've let that prejudice go. I'm lonely, I need touch and love, I know who I am and what I'm about. It's simple, not complicated.

I've been getting approached repeatedly by much younger men down here, and they're just so sweet and straightforward and gentle. You're beautiful. I saw you on the beach earlier. Your tattoos are gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink? Can I buy you a coffee? Can I go for a walk with you?

I say no thank you, but I find myself aching for that touch, that warmth of contact and directness. Poignantly, these young men think I am about 10 to 15 years younger than I actually am. They're just so honest. One young man said to me, "I just think Asian women are beautiful, and you are REALLY beautiful, and I wanted to talk to you." I told him how much I appreciated his honesty about his attraction, and he just shrugged and said, "Of course. That's how I feel, why would I hide it?" It was just so direct, so clean. We had a good talk, he and I.

I prefer men my age, but men my age just seem completely freaked out by me and don't want to go there, or really anywhere. They just want to talk and talk and talk and mess with my head.

I just can't play these elaborate games that men my age are constantly running on me any more. I don't understand them. I don't know how to play. It's all so dishonest and at the end of the day there's no exchange, no sex, no love, no passion, just a lot of talking and freaking out about nothing, getting wrapped around the axle about something that happened with some other woman, throwing a bunch of shit I didn't do at me like I did it, holding back everything that matters, not wanting to give anything or share anything.

I don't even know what it is anymore. I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore.

I'm just going to be simple and open the gates to receiving what I need.

That's all.

I'm going home tomorrow.

Les Sads

today is just rough. Really rough. I tried to go and play in the waves and I didn't even care, I was so half hearted. To make things worse, some animal really bit me in the foot out there, and it really bled, and I had to stop what I was doing and go tend to it.

I think holding that man in my arms this morning while he was unconscious really triggered some deep stuff. I'm still glad I was there, but holy fucking fuck. To see how upset his friends were, to be there with him in his own fear--I think I was just starting to have a delayed reaction to all of that when I talked to Technicalis. I didn't even tell him that had happened, come to think of it. But it doesn't matter, because what I figured out is that Technicalis doesn't give much of a fuck about me, he'd rather bail out on the friendship he said he wanted than try to be there for me in the ways I need right now.

You know what really sucks about that? I probably spent three or four hours listening to that guy talking about his ex and his issues during our get togethers. I was so completely there for him, listening, empathetic, gentle, tender, helpful. His response to my situation? Yea. That's his idea of reciprocity, that and patting himself on the back for listening to me for maybe 30 minutes after I have listened to him for literally HOURS about his issues. And for some reason he kept on bringing up the romantic and sexual stuff. I have no idea why, because he already rejected me, and it was done; he made his point, he didn't want that with me, I got the point and I accepted it. I didn't beg, I didn't cry, I didn't ask for nada around that shit. I let it go and moved on. There was no need to behave as though somehow I was trying to press that issue. I heard him, and I didn't bring it up again. I only need to be rejected one time; it'll never come up again.

It is what it is. I sent a formal apology for coming across as harsh or disrespectful and wished him the best on his tour. I'm sure I was not at my best this morning, and I certainly won't be seeking his support again. I learned my lesson, and I'm grateful for it. I have nothing against him. He is who he is and I have other people I can turn to who are all-in with being there for me when I cry or am upset or say things in a less than perfect way. They don't need me to be perfect, because they really love me. They just don't even care about that. It's funny that he would get on me about being critical when all he did was criticize everything about my process with this from top to bottom. I'm sure I was, but he outdid me by miles.

I am always grateful when people teach me that I cannot depend on them, because then I know not to put my energy there and not to expect anything of them. It's best that way. That way it just is what it is, no resentment, just acceptance of what is. This is not who I had thought he was, but I'm grateful to have been oriented to reality, even if I had wished the reality were different. 

I'm going to go see if I can find a rose somewhere.

Issue

I decided to take a risk and bring up an issue with Technicalis, formerly known as Handsome One. After today, he really doesn't seem that handsome to me any more.

He'd said something that REALLY hurt my feelings during yesterday's conversation; it took a while for me to realize how much it bothered me, but when I realized it did, I sat with whether I should bring it up. I finally realized that it was hurtful enough that if I didn't bring it up I'm probably never going to talk to the guy again--it wasn't something I was going to get over. So I contacted him and said what had happened for me.

In real friendships, you can bring things up with people. I've never brought up anything with him before; this is the first time, and he'd said he wanted to be friends, so I took the chance. It didn't go very well. He did the things he does: talked over me, interrupted, was dismissive, and a lot of other stuff. He claimed that he checked on me every day after I told him about my mom and that he asked me if there was anything he could do for me while he's in town, even though I'm not there.

But here's the thing: He didn't actually do any of those things. Actually, he completely disappeared from contact for two days after I told him about my mother. He never said anything about doing anything for me at all. All he said was that I can call him any time. He didn't check on me every day like he claimed. In yesterday's conversation it was mostly about the end of the pseudo-romantic thing that had been going on via text. I said maybe three sentences about my mother. That's it. He seems to think he gave me all this support. He didn't. In fact, it was his lack of response that made me realize our connection wasn't real, or didn't feel real.

I have a very good memory for conversations because it's what I do for a living. When I said to him, "You didn't do those things," he didn't react well to that either. I don't try to tell him about audio engineering, but he sure felt free to tell me about communication. But whatever. That part just is what it is. What I definitely figured out during that conversation is that he's extremely defensive if there's even the slightest suggestion that he didn't handle things well or that he maybe isn't remembering what happened like it actually happened. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with that--the facts are the facts. I remember dozens of conversations on a daily basis and I'm really accurate at it. I'm not making things up, and I wasn't drunk or stoned when these talks happened.

Anyway. What it came down to was that he seemed to somehow think that the pseudo romantic thing has something to do with this, which it doesn't. I'm so over that deal; it's gone, it wasn't real, and there's nothing more to say about it--it wasn't meant to be between us. What's on the table for me is whether or not this guy is actually the friend that he claimed he is to me, and the big thing is, I can bring things up with my friends without getting shot down about it. I felt he shot me down and I said so, at which point I was accused of being critical. Maybe I was being critical, but goddamn, what he said to me would hurt the feelings of most people under the circumstances I'm in, and the fact that he has this habit of LAUGHING--yes, laughing--when I'm trying to express something painful is honestly just a bizarre behavior that I don't think most people would find that endearing. To say the least. That's what happened yesterday--he said he thought something I'd expressed was funny when it was coming from a really difficult place.

I told him that he comes across as brusque, dismissive, and mocking. Maybe that's not how he means to, maybe he does have empathy under there--he says he does--but sure as shit, he's terrible at showing it if he does have it. And I don't know him well enough to know if he's actually a deeper person who does care and isn't that good at expressing it, or just a narcissistic jerk who collects Facebook friends and female attention and is happy to be your friend when you're paying attention to him and making him feel good about himself and then bails out when you actually need something from him as a friend. There's no way for me to know that at this point, since I've never needed anything from him in the three months I've known him until now. At this point, I need people to be real friends to me, to be able to listen, express empathy, be there for me. He said that he was trying to do that and I honestly told him that the way he's doing it isn't coming across very well. It's just landing as very dismissive and heavy handed and insensitive.

He kind of gave me that "well I just am how I am" thing that Old Men give you. I just am how I am and if I'm a dick, deal with it or leave! I told him I do think it's important to care about how we land with other people, and if it's not working, do something different for fuck's sake. That's what I would do for him. That's what I DID do for him. How would he have felt if I'd laughed at something he said when he was talking to me about his ex? Would that have made him feel good? He got all huffy about that and then threw the world "crazy" into the conversation, which was so dumb. I'm the least crazy person anyone knows. But you know, when you're a woman expressing your emotions, you must be making crazy, right.

Anyway. I finally just said to him that clearly he isn't liking the way I need to express myself and I probably can't do any better right at the moment, so I'm just going to distance myself and not rely on him for support. If he wants to say hi once in a while or something I'll do my best to respond in a way that he doesn't find critical. He did say that I should give him some time to show who he really is and that our connection isn't about superficial things, and that I just have to take his word for it. I told him that I can do that, but that his style of landing on me is just like stepping with a boot on a raw nerve right now, so sorry if you found me critical, take care, have a good week and a good upcoming tour.

So that was that.

It wasn't fun. But it was a learning experience. Hopefully on both sides, but if not, on mine. for a while I thought to myself that I shouldn't have said anything. But I finally decided that if someone can't be real with me or let me talk about things, I'd rather know now than later. I'm willing to believe that somewhere in there he has goodwill and maybe even empathy for what I'm going through. But I don't want to be laughed at. I don't want to be dismissed. I don't want to be interrupted. Nobody wants to feel those things anyway, even when they're not in a sad situation in their lives.

I want to feel like a friendship is a safe space where I can bring things up even if I don't do it perfectly. I'm not sure this one is, it certainly doesn't feel that way right now, so if it's just a more superficial hi how are you thing, then that's just what it is, and that's life. I'm not crazy. Most people would find what he said really hurtful, and would find his habit of laughing to be both hurtful and bizarre. Mostly, people don't laugh at other people when they're obviously in emotional distress, unless there's something really wrong with them. Sometimes it can be a defense mechanism, but when you're on the receiving end of it, you don't really care where it's coming from--it's a strange, misaligned, cruel feeling response that I don't know what to do with, that most people wouldn't know what to do with.

So it goes. All I can think is that someone who could be so mean must be a person who's in a hell of a lot of pain himself, no matter how he tries to deny it.

I hope he thinks about what I had to say when he cools down, but my own life isn't going to depend on that happening. That's for sure.